The season of endless gluttony is finally over. I don’t know about you, but I managed to load on half a stone. Instead of feasting on wasabi cream cheese, spring onion and hot smoked salmon croissants for breakfast, I’m now forcing myself to box around in my living room like an utter buffoon to Davina “Manimal” McCall’s workout .

Charlie Brooker once described Davina as a raven “…the makings of a beak are clearly visible, rudimentary black plumage seems to be emerging from her scalp and most damning of all, her voice patterns are starting to closely imitate an insistent, grating caw”. Nonetheless, it seems appropriate somehow, to subject myself to her caustic nailgun of a voice.  I mean, if I’m going to do something I absolutely hate I might as well go the whole hog.

This also means less of the eating like a foie gras goose, and the spending of the money like a person who has any actual money to spend, and more of the opposite. So, instead of adding to the coffers of Dr Karg I have decided to celebrate the end of said fat fest by whipping up very my own Pumpkin Seed and Gruyere crackers. A spot of light Googling resulted in this superb recipe

I topped mine with gruyere, pumpkin seeds, sesame, sunflower seeds and nigella seeds, but you can sprinkle on whatever you’ve got. They are insanely easy to make. Even easier than chocolate rice krispy cakes.

Seriously. If you’re a bit of a Karl Pilkington like me and have been forking out what has over the years accumulated to a small fortune for the things at your local supermarket, then you should fork out a slightly smaller fortune for a bag of spelt flour and give it a go. They’re nowhere near as dense as Dr K’s, and I reckon you’ll get a fair amount out of one bag of flour. Hot from the oven, and smeared with cold taramasalata, they really cannot be beaten.


220g spelt flour

About 100ml water

½ tsp salt

seeds (nigella, sesame, pumpkin, poppy, cumin, fennel, sunflower – whatever you’ve got)

any  grated hard cheese- Parmesan, Davidstow cheddar and gruyere all seem to work well.


Get your oven up to 180 degrees/Gas mark 4

Dissolve the salt in the water.

Put the flour in a bowl.

Gradually add the water until you have a soft pliable dough.

Get your biggest baking tray and turn it upside down. Give it a good sprinkling of flour.

Roll out the dough very thinly directly over your inverted tray.

Spray with water (this is important as it helps the topping stick).

Sprinkle with more salt, the seeds and cheese– doing this from a height helps even distribution.

Score into cracker shapes (alternatively bake whole and snap into crackers after).

Bake until golden.


  1. I do love a good Dr Karg, but this definitely looks worth a try.

  2. this looks like just the ticket for a cold winter’s night- cheese with this and a hot toddy. mmmm. x shayma

  3. ha ha – that Charlie Brooker quote has made my day! These sound like a fitting reward for a session of Ravenerobics. And all hail the spelt flour x

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